My Secret Heart or (Thrive)


I am wounded…

There I said it, but aren’t we all?

Don’t we all carry around these deep, deep wounds?

I am not alone…we are not alone.

There’s a thing about being wounded, about hurting. If there’s one thing that can unite us all and bring us all together it would be that we suffer. We are wounded. We are hurting.

So in turn we hurt others.

I’m guilty of this.

You’re guilty of this.

We’re all guilty of this.

My question as of late is why do we walk around with wounded hearts, yet so often try to hide them.

We are not ok.

Why do we pretend that we are?

Are we afraid that others may find us abnormal? Are we afraid others may laugh? Are we afraid that others may hurt us more if they see how much we’ve been hurt, so we put up these walls.

We are builders aren’t we?

We like walls.

Big walls.

We put up these walls around our hearts, the center of our souls, the residence of our hurt.

We hide our wounds.

We protect our hearts.

Is that living?

Is that thriving?

No, it’s simply suriving.

As of lately I feel like I don’t know who I am. I feel like those walls I built, that we all build, have come crashing down leaving my wounds exposed.

I am a man, but I feel like a ghost.

I think it is because we can’t fully live behind the walls we build out of whatever reasons we build them.

That’s no way to live…actually it really is a form of death.

It’s retreating.

Are we afraid to share that we are hurting, that we are wounded? Why?

I think it’s ok to not be ok.

This song by Switchfoot has been my theme song as of lately:

Thrive
Been fighting things that I can’t see in
Like voices coming from the inside of me and
Like doing things I find hard to believe in
Am I myself or am I dreaming?

I’ve been awake for an hour or so
Checking for a pulse but I just don’t know
Am I a man when I feel like a ghost?
The stranger in the mirror is wearing my clothes

No I’m not alright
I know that I’m not right
A steering wheel don’t mean you can drive
A warm body don’t mean I’m alive
No I’m not alright
I know that I’m not right
Feels like I travel but I never arrive
I want to thrive not just survive

I come alive when I hear you singing
But lately I haven’t been hearing a thing and
I get the feeling that I’m in between
A machine and a man who only looks like me

I try and hide it and not let it show
But deep down inside me I just don’t know
Am I a man when I feel like a hoax?
The stranger in the mirror is wearing my clothes

No I’m not alright
I know that I’m not right
A steering wheel don’t mean you can drive
A warm body don’t mean I’m alive
No I’m not alright
I know that I’m not right
Feels like I travel but I never arrive
I want to thrive not just survive

I’m always close but I’m never enough
I’m always in line but I’m never in love
I get so down but I won’t give up
I get slowed down but I won’t give up

Been fighting things that I can’t see in
Like voices coming from the inside of me and
Like doing things I find hard to believe in
Am I myself or am I dreaming?

No I’m not alright
I know that I’m not right
A steering wheel don’t mean you can drive
A warm body don’t mean I’m alive
No I’m not alright
I know that I’m not right
Feel like I travel but I never arrive
I want to thrive not just survive

I WANT TO THRIVE NOT JUST SURVIVE
(Words by Jon Foreman)

Jon and I can relate to feeling like a ghost.

Why is that? Do you feel like a ghost? Do you feel like you are FULLY living?

I don’t….I’m not alright. Chances are you aren’t either. If you’re honest with yourself.

I think there’s a connection to the walls we build up around our wounded hearts and the lacking of real living that we aren’t experiencing!

David wrote in Psalm 51:6, “You desire truth in the inward being therefore teach me wisdom in my secret heart.”

The Message reads, “What you’re after is truth from the inside out. Enter me, then; conceive a new, true life.”

True life comes from the heart, the wellspring.

The good news is that we DO NOT have to have a whole heart! Our hearts do not have to be alright or healed.

We all have wounds and pains in our hearts, but we are called to lift them to the Lord nonetheless.

David goes on to say in verse 17, “The sacrifice accept to God is a broken spirit; a broken and contriteheart, O God, you will not despise.”

I read with some fellow brothers in the Lord the other night that contrite in Hebrew refers to having been pounded into dust!

D-U-S-T

Our hearts are but dust aren’t they?

Broken.

Wounded.

Hurt…

We carry around contrite hearts whether we own up to that or not.

We are all hurting.

We all have those walls. We don’t want to show them, but deep down inside we just don’t know as Jon sings.

We really aren’t alright.

But there’s a beauty I have discovered in not being alright.

It is then that we can offer these secret hearts we all carry unto the Lord not only for praise, but so that His healing grace shall wash them clean with hyssop then mold them into a beautiful mosaic.

He will glorify Himself in our secret hearts.

He will teach us wisdom there.

But we must first start with the knowledge and confession that we aren’t ok, that we are hiding our hurts.

It is then that the power of the Holy Spirit by the Blood of the Lamb who takes away the sins of the world will come with His healing balm and restore us.

I don’t know if any of this makes sense. I mainly wrote this as a cathartic blog to share with you thoughts that have poured forth from a secret heart full of wounds.

There’s a fear in exposing our wounds, but it is in that exposure that we find light for the darkest crevices and recesses of our wounded hearts.

It is in that wounding and brokenness that we are ready to be made more like Him.

My brothers and sisters be exposed. We know our Lord searches the heart. Let Him search you.

Tear down the walls.

Share your wounded heart.

Let Truth search your inward being.

Let Wisdom come to your secret heart.

Begin to live and fully live.

Become alive.

Thrive…

May the peace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you now and always. Amem +

O my Most Loving and Gentle Jesus, I desire with all the affections of my heart, that all beings should praise Thee, honor Thee and glorify Thee eternally for that sacred wound wherewith Thy divine side was rent. I deposit, enclose, conceal in that wound and in that opening in Thy Heart, my heart and all my feelings, thoughts, desires, intentions and all the faculties of my soul. I entreat Thee, by the precious Blood and Water that flowed from Thy Most Loving Heart, to take entire possession of me, that Thou may guide me in all things. Consume me in the burning fire of thy holy Love, so that I may be so absorbed and transformed into Thee that I may no longer be but one with Thee. Amen. — Lanspergius, the Carthusian

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About Joel

Joel is a 32 year old currently residing in the southeastern United States. His interests lay in philosophy and theology. He is a writer for The Christian Watershed.

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